Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Edible (in the strictest sense) Incredible

Mr. Incredible here illustrates a kind of core conflict in these lunches. Namely, what am I okay putting in Primo's stomach to get the desired effect in the lunchbox? Don't get me wrong, there's nothing instantly harmful in this one. There are two different cheese foods, though. And Carl Buddig meat. It's okay to be skeptical about Carl Buddig, right? It's like $.80 a package. Somewhere along the production line there's a "slurry." Check out the "Healthy Living" section of their website. I don't know that I'd call it disingenuous, I just don't know that they'll be able to get it accomplished. I'm going to go ahead and give them quixotic.
And that's not pejorative. I'm an INFP and I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for them. Especially when you're waiting on content like this.
If you didn't follow the link, or followed it and didn't scroll, here's the pertinent excerpt:

What is sodium erythorbate? (I.e., is it made from earthworms?)
Sodium erythorbate does not come from earthworms ...

I know things change pretty quickly on the internet, but the F in FAQ used to stand for "frequently." As in, the folks at Carl Buddig are frequently asked whether their ingredient list includes earthworms.
I suppose frequency is relative, though. Thus, I picture, by way of explanation, one person sitting alone at a desk like the Maytag repairman. He has a request on his desk to list the most frequently asked questions he's answered from callers for the new website. The only person who has ever called found an open packet of Buddig turkey in the back of the fridge that his roommate left when he moved out two weeks ago. It still has a "sell by" date on it, which has expired, but he wasn't sure whether to go by when it was supposed to be sold or when it was opened, because, you know, he thinks his roommate probably bought it before the "sell by" date. It's October and he's thinking about having it for Thanksgiving, so depending on the answer, he might try to freeze it. He really hopes he can still salvage it, because being on Weight Watchers since July has really made him fixate on Thanksgiving dinner and the turkey is real important on account of not being able to eat stuffing or gravy or rolls because of gluten intolerance. But he doesn't want to go too overboard, so what are the points like on the turkey? Also, are there ground-up worms in it? And is that the points for the whole package?
And, since every other question has been asked zero times, voila! an FAQ page is born.
There's also the possibility that this page was on the floor of that room with an infinite number of monkeys trying to type the collected works of Shakespeare that you may have heard about.
Carl Buddig meats and Kraft singles are basically perfect for stuff like this from a materials standpoint. The color, consistency and thickness are so uniform, if unnatural. It's like working with construction paper. Delicious construction paper. And it's probably worse for him, too. The cheese isn't the worst. The Buddig corned beef has sodium nitrite in it. It inhibits the bacteria that causes botulism. But it forms carcinogenic compounds when exposed to heat. So they put sodium erythorbate in it to keep that from happening. But that's made from worms. It's like the old lady who swallowed a fly or something.
But I can kick that can down the road a bit, because the additives that they're figuring things about don't look like they do much for at least 30 or 40 years.
Also, he didn't eat the corned beef.

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